What's a 1st cousin to do?

[Dennis]

Hello & Season's Greetings:)

I need to know the way to handle a 'situation'. I have a 1st cousin, the son of my bio-dad's sister. He refuses to respond to any correspondence regarding what became of his mother and uncle. I have made it clear that all I wish to know is what became of them.

Its quite frustrating.

dennis

[JustJean]

Hiya Dennis

Long time no see.....glad to see you're keeping well!

As for the personal problem you seem to be experiencing (hold on whilst I flip my shingle from Forum Genealogical Whiz..... to..... The Doctor Is In) There...now where were we? Oh yes you have a cousin who is confounding you. Alas we all have certain rellies that can be uncooperative when it comes to honest research. My suggestion for you is to not nag the cousin any further. (Knowing of course you weren't really nagging but just suggesting mightily that this person might want to assist you in your relentless family tree construction) Now if you don't get the information from the cousin...is there any alternative available? Records can be obtained even right up to current day by professional researchers and sometimes even by non professional ones but ones that know the ins and outs of the system so for goodness sakes don't give up if you feel it's important for you to know the answers.....just try a new approach is all. Simple huh? That'll be $50 please small unmarked bills preferable....or you could simply make a deposit in my paypal account

In all sincerity....send me a PM if you feel I might be able to answer any questions. I'm not sure if you're talking about living folks or dead ones but just to be certain we're not in violation of any TS guidelines. (And I was just kidding about the payment )

Best wishes
Jean

[StewL]

No you weren't Jean

Dennis
All I can add to what Jean has already said is that it sounds like you will have to find the information from other sources. The cousin doesn't sound like they are interested, and there may be darker reasons for them not wanting to be involved. You have to remember that not everyone is like us demented family history folk.

With my social work hat on, I would suggest just leaving this cousin alone. It could be more trouble than its worth.

[Miss Poohs]

I can really sympathise.

My MIL is a very private person, almost to the point of secretive - we ("we" meaning me, her son and daughter!!) know almost nothing about her life before before meeting my husbands dad.

To make things worse - she's English, which makes finding out all the relevent info even more akward.

As infurating as it is I don't ask her anything anymore - the only response I've ever gotten is "you're digging too deep", so fair enough, I'll leave well alone. One day I'll decide to go it alone. I know it'll take me far longer and probably cost twice as much, but I'll get there some day.

Hope you find a solution.

[DavidWW]

Hello & Season's Greetings:)

I need to know the way to handle a 'situation'. I have a 1st cousin, the son of my bio-dad's sister. He refuses to respond to any correspondence regarding what became of his mother and uncle. I have made it clear that all I wish to know is what became of them.

Its quite frustrating.

dennis

The only way to handle the situation now is to leave the situation be in terms of correspondence, at least for the time being.

The harder you push at the moment, the more he is likely to maintain this position.

And, as Jean suggests, explore other means of getting the info.

David

[pinkshoes]

Hi Dennis (and everybody else). Wise words from the TS sages, and I've nothing to add in terms of handling the situation.

From personal experience - I found a "some kinda cousin" on GR who was full of enthusiasm for the chase, and offered to talk to some elderely- but-still-living rellies who he was regularly in contact with. I never heard another dicky bird, despite gentle prods from time to time. Was like the door had been firmly slammed. As suggested by the others, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and as the various stories unfolded I can see why the elderly-but-still-got-all-the-marbles rellies suddenly developed amnesia and/or lockjaw However, and it's a big however, the information they were trying to hide is major - not just the usual illigitimate weans and so forth, though there were plenty of them too. No, this was information that had a huge impact on me at the time and redefined who and what I thought I am. Also left me with big questions around what influenced my opinions as I grew up and why so much apparent hypocrisy from otherwise sound individuals. I daresay there's a reasonable explanation for it all, and it would have been nice to hear it from those who would know but apparently it's not to be.

But genealogy is like that isn't it. Would be no fun if everyone was what we expected them to be, living their perceived mundane lives in the places we expect to find them . Still though, maybe there should be a health warning to newbies - enter the kitchen at your own risk - it can be mighty hot in there

I wish you luck in your search Dennis and hope you find the other road in.

Best wishes
Pinkshoes

[JustJean]

No you weren't Jean

Oh Stewie....you cut me to the quick

and Dennis.....see how many people agree with me?? Scary innit!!!

Best wishes
Jean

[DavidWW]

When I moved back to Scotland in 1986 and became seriously interested in my own family tree, I re-established contact with a number of relatives, some of whom my mother had fallen out with

One of these was a first cousin of my mother, then retired and living in Edinburgh. We co-operated to great effect on one very problematic, mutual line, - the surname involved is SMITH , but never achieved a final resolution, - we did find a probable 1841 census entry, but the young lady in question had left home and was "in service" .....

I mentioned on several occasions that I'd be more than happy to help my second cousin with his own tree but he always demurred. One day, when the tasks on the list for NRH were finished unusually quickly due to immediate success, or failure in terms of brick walls, I had a few spare hours, so had a look at my cousin's tree.

His father was illegitimate, but an RCE relating to a Sheriff Court paternity action allowed both paternal and maternal lines to be traced back. All this info was relayed my cousin, but he didn't speak to me for 6 months

David

[AnneM]

Hi

If I can add my tuppence worth, I think it is important to remember that what we see as all terrific grist to the research mill, many people regard as very private information. My own rule is that if anyone seems even remotely reluctant I immediately abandon all offers of info etc or attempt to get info that I don't have. Anything else is an invasion of privacy. It's also worth remembering that even nowadays some people find things shocking which would not cause most of us to turn a hair...... and not only the older generation. One problem I had was that my sister did not like some of the things I found out which to me were simply fascinating. It's not that she was shocked (she is a trained Social Worker) she just did not like the answers. Nothing I could do but drop the subject!

Anne

[paddyscar]

Anne:

I have a friend who often says "There's nothing so important, that it can't be ignored'.

Do we share sisters, by the way?

Frances