GR contact - Nasty sting

Lorna Allison · Post by **Lorna Allison** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:04 am

Intentionally I did not become a fully paid up member of GR to avoid any "accidental" access to living members on my tree.

However, I was contacted by and opened up direct communication with, a chap who then sent me nice details of my gg grandmother (he is on the line of one of her siblings). He was keen to know how I fitted in and I sent him details of my own line from her down but edited out living relatives.

To my horror he went up to London, researched my tree through bmd, wills and newspapers and sent me all the lurid details of a particularly sad episode in the family some 30 years back, wondering "if I knew about this and how was I connected", even down to a cheap, unnecessary piece in a local newspaper of the time. Nothing criminal here you understand, but illness, unnecessary death and general heartbreak.

Given that there are close living relatives I am absolutely horrified.

Nothing for it but aloofly to shut down further communication I suppose and be VERY WARY in future. But, honestly, how can you deter people from being such nosey parkers? It is not as though I can see why on earth he should be remotely interested in my lot.

A very chagrined and deflated,

Lorna

Post by **emanday** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:29 am

Hi Lorna,

That seems to have been a very thoughtless, even heartless, thing to do. I can only sympathise with your distress.

Unfortunately, there are a VERY few, (and I've been stung by a couple of them) whose intent seems to be to accumulate as much information as possible, rather than build a well constructed tree, and to gleefully impart information as though they are "expert" caring not a whit about what "cans of worms" they might be opening.

I have even provided my own sister with an "edited" version of our tree because I really don't want her to know about the actions of one particular ancestor. I know she would be devastated if she ever knew the truth!

Your contact has given no thought to what upset he might cause.

Russell · Post by **Russell** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:40 am

Hi Lorna

I agree with Mary that there are only a few who care nothing about the folk they are in contact with and the upset they can cause.
To forestall this sort of prurient noseiness I stopped putting further information into my tree and eventually gave up membership as it became apparent that there were 'name hunters' out there.

Sadly all you can do is maintain your own standards and morality and try to guard against any future unwelcome intrusions.
Programmes like 'Who do you think you are' show that it is possible to take anyone; rich and famous, or a name picked at random out of a 'phone book, and dig up all sorts of information about them if you try hard enough.

Russell

LesleyB · Post by **LesleyB** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:45 am

Hi Lorna
I can understand your being upset.. but I think sometimes the very nature of family researchers is a bit suspect (Ok, I count myself in here!)

I suppose it is easy to go rummaging about in someone else's branch and find out what you can, and because you are that wee bit removed from the whole thing it is easy to overlook that others may be upset with your findings. I speak as someone who stuck their foot in it royaly with an elderly relative who then promptly stopped being interested in being contacted at all about family matters, to my great disappointment. It certainly taught me to keep my trap shut! Even then, I've boobed on one other occasion at least - a family "status quo" can be a little like a minefield.

But it does seem this guy has been a bit insensitve - he has failed to recognise that what is "meaty detail" to him concerns close relatives of yours. His handling of the issue seems a bit remiss - it is very recent in the great scheme of things - heck, even I can remember 30 years ago! I think some folk just get so carried away with following up leads that they forget that they are dealing with real people and real lives. I'm really sorry to hear you have had such an upsetting experience.

Best wishes
Lesley

Post by **emanday** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:48 am

The really upsetting thing about what happened to you, Lorna, is that there are also a whole host of people on GR who genuinely want to "do it right".

Of late, I have been in contact with several GR members who have turned out to be distant rellies either by blood or marriage. We have exchanged warm and helpful messages and have mutually benefited from the contact. At least two of them have mentioned bad experiences with "name hunters".

As they say "It takes all sorts"

Helen G · Post by **Helen G** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:19 am

Hi Lorna,

I am sorry that you had to incur this extreme problem which is very soul destroying and heartbreaking.

I experiencied a very similar situation 2 years ago where I first started off and joined GR because of the media coverage and at that time I think the first or second series of the "Who Do You Think You Are?" programme which was sponsered by GR.

A news tabloid was giving away a free Sunday Edition (to sell the paper's)for a 14 day period full access to geneolagy and I am sure a number of people who were not dedicated to Family Research were more than interested in the FREE trying for a connection in their own families from wherever they came from, or who they could contact if they could contact anyone.

I am being realistic here where I think it has probably brought more that a few newbee researchers on line.

This person contacted me through GR and they were related through my family line and I gave them access to my tree.

I am sorry but that was the worst thing that I could have done at that time to the wrong person.

That individual published their tree which also incorporated my tree and a number of other people's tree's and contacts.

I have had numerous threatening emails as to why I am not divulging my information to them as
"WE ARE ALL RELATED"
"YOU DO NOT OWN ANYBODY"
so why is it all a secret............

These people are individuals they have lived and breathed fresh air
(they belong to MY family),,

They have a right to be heard because we are related I have a right to know what they are saying.

Where were they born and who are you to my family tree

Only to name but a few threats
Sorry for being so blunt.

Please be wary of anybody that you divulge to, and ask them a few questions before you think that they may be connected, at the same time provide very little and ask more in return.

Kind Regards
Helen

Post by **Anne H** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 5:08 am

Hi Lorna,

What a sad experience for you. I wonder though, since this chap initially gave you some nice information on your gg grandmother that he wasn't just a bit over enthusiastic and not thinking about any hurt it might cause in sharing the "not so good" information. I'd be inclined to think on similar lines as in Lesley's comments.

I myself try to find out as much as I possibly can for every branch in my tree, however distant, because I want as complete a picture as possible, but I would like to think that I would remember to use sensitivity when sharing.

Maybe a good rule of thumb might be to not publish any information from your tree with any dates outside the official guidelines we have to go by on SP, etc., and then tread carefully with anything after that until a relationship is built up with any new contacts.

Regards,
Anne H

Post by **AnneM** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 10:29 am

Hi

I guess anyone can be a bit overenthusiastic. I was so taken with having become fairly sure of the identity of my great grandfather, who had a very unusual foreign name, that I cheerfully contacted those of his legitimate family who were on GR. Some were happy to hear from me but I get the feeling that others were rather taken aback. Having said that I had several good conversations with at least one of his great grandchildren on the legitimate line.

However with hindsight I should probably have treaded a little more gently, says Anne who recently blithely posted on the public forum that she reckoned that she had found a bigamous marriage for someone's great grandfather!

Mind you I do think 30 years ago is too recent to be raking up unpleasant events. I think many of us on this forum were adults then and could easily have been affected by the tragedies.

Anne

StewL · Post by **StewL** » Sun Sep 09, 2007 10:05 am

Lorna

Sorry you've had a bad experience through GR. Fortunately up to this date, I have been lucky and only have had positive contacts from distant or not so distant relatives, that have actually helped me with my tree. So I have been fortunate so far.

Post by **joette** » Mon Sep 10, 2007 1:15 pm

Yes I have only had one unfortunate experience with GR & that I was able to resolve with lots of patience & less than plain speaking on my part -not in character I have to say!
I would never share with anybody such recent history & I was even very discreet when sharing with my Dad's half-sister's Grandaughter her Granny's origins.I didn't know if she knew about her parentage-she did & she was grateful that I could fill in some spaces for her.
I hold to the hundred year rule but am happy to share living rellies with close contacts & all have agreed to this sharing-I have omitted those who haven't.
Even then some things can be hurtful,shocking & I tread carefully & omit some things which are not relevant to the search.I still have not revealed to anyone some family secrets which I think may cause hurt even after all those years.
I can remember blithely telling one to my Mum & seeing the pain it caused have kept stumm about others!
I have gained so much from GR including the extension of my knowledge on one of my lines which I would never have looked at thinking it couldn't be mine.